Why you don't need to excel at everything...

...and why you should give yourself a break

For the overachieving perfectionists, this one is for you.

Ambition, competitiveness, a desire for achievement… these are all good qualities (arguably in moderation).

And they are likely to push you into obtaining success in a lot of different areas of your life. But something I've realised as the consummate overachiever, is that there can be a distinct difficulty in turning these qualities off.

When your need for achievement, constant striving to be "better" and inability to accept mediocrity bleeds into every area of your life, this can lead to some pretty disastrous consequences.

In my case, cue burnout, depression and an unrelenting underlying anxiety.

You're sucking the fun out of everything

There's nothing wrong with having ambition and wanting to achieve. But in my experience, disaster strikes when that becomes the sole focus for everything you do. When you can't switch off the drive for achievement, every element of your life can become a competition with a need to obtain success. Which is not only exhausting, but unhealthy.

In my experience, my desire for constant "success" in everything led to two distinct thought patterns:

1. Constant comparison to those around you - "Am I better than John?" "Why is Mike so much better than me?" "Am I ever going to beat Emma?"

1. An inability to enjoy an activity for the simple pleasure of it - "I don't deserve to enjoy this because I'm terrible at it."

Neither of these thought patterns are particularly conducive to enjoying an activity.

As an example, I started CrossFit a few years ago. I really enjoyed the style of training and it was something completely different to what I'd ever done before. But pretty quickly I started falling into the comparison trap. I wasn’t as "good" as other people, I wasn't progressing as fast as others, where some people had clear strengths for one particular area (such as strength or speed) I felt like I didn't have anything.

Now, as a previous very competitive golfer, I was used to having some sporting success and progressing quickly. The fact that none of these things were happening in CrossFit made me feel awful.

The more my gym buddies improved quicker than me, the worse I ended up feeling. I couldn't break out of the comparison trap and it was ruining the sport for me. I held a belief that because I couldn't do the gymnastic movements required, and wasn't as strong as other people, that I didn't DESERVE to have it as my chosen hobby.

Surely you had to be good at your hobby in order to call it your hobby?!

Of course this is absolute nonsense. But it didn't make it any less real for me. And I ended up falling out of love with CrossFit.

My overachieving, perfectionist tendencies were preventing me from enjoying an activity purely to partake because I didn't believe that I was "good enough". If I wasn't achieving, if I wasn't doing well, then what was the point?

I literally sucked all the fun out of it.

When we turn our need for achievement into a requirement for every part of our life, we remove any sort of intrinsic joy, i.e., the enjoyment for simply doing an activity regardless of any "outcome".

You're allowed to be terrible at things

When I realised I had sabotaged my own pleasure of a hobby, I started reflecting on where else this had shown up in my life.

I could see a distinct pattern emerging.

If I wasn't "good" at something pretty quickly, I had a tendency to give up (regardless of how much I enjoyed it) or alternatively I would push myself to breaking point in order to get "good" (even when I no longer enjoyed the pursuit). Both were ridiculous and unhealthy.

I had internalised the belief that in order for something to be worthwhile, I had to be achieving. Whether that be "winning" or gaining "success" or some form of external validation.

The pressure this creates is ridiculous. And when you don't have an activity to turn to that helps to switch off - you create this constant feeling of being "on" and needing to prove something.

It's exhausting.

Overachieving perfectionists have a tendency to not allow themselves the compassion of being a beginner. Everything has to be right, mistakes can't happen, and you need to be seen as "good".

I knew objectively that I couldn't be good at everything. That I couldn't achieve in every area of my life because that's impossible (we only have so much time and energy in a day). But it didn't stop the belief that that's what I SHOULD be doing.

I had to shift my belief that an activity or pursuit was only worthwhile if I was "achieving" and that I was allowed to be a beginner.

Developing an attitude of play

When we're kids, we do things because they're fun. When we get bored, we stop.

I had lost my ability to "play" as an adult. Everything had to have a purpose, a goal, be productive, be in service of something higher. I wasn't doing anything for the pure enjoyment of it.

I can see how this mindset contributed to my severe burnout a couple of years ago. I had lost any sense of fun in my day to day pursuits. Even the dog walk had to be productive with me listening to a new book or podcast to learn something meaningful.

I had stopped giving myself permission to play.

I needed to find a way back to that simplicity of childhood. Of doing something purely because I enjoyed it with no other ulterior motive.

I also had to find a way to accept being a beginner and that I might always stay that way with a particular sport or activity.

I started with simply reading for enjoyment. I am a massive nerd and love learning. But I was blocking myself from reading just for pleasure, because I didn't think it was "productive" enough. Allowing myself to "read for fun" was actually quite difficult to begin with.

I then turned to my new found pursuit of boxing. I'd taken up boxing as a new hobby, with a specific goal in mind (white collar ultra fight). I'd had my fight (and lost which was devastating) but it had taught me a valuable lesson. I could see myself spiralling in a similar way to CrossFit and didn't want that to happen.

I enjoyed boxing purely for the fun of it. It was a great workout, the people were really lovely, and it helped to switch my brain off. When I finally gave myself permission to simply enjoy it for the sake of enjoying it, without it having to "turn into some achievement" I could feel the comparison trap fading away and the pressure to perform evaporating.

Instead of boxing becoming yet another task to pursue in life, it turned into a hobby that I enjoyed purely for the pleasure it gave me.

Concluding Thoughts

There is more to life than constant achievement.

Not everything has to be filled with productivity and purpose. You're allowed to do something purely because you enjoy it. And you don't need to excel at everything in life.

Learning how to de-activate the overachiever in you will actually lead to more joy and happiness.

It also means you can hopefully avoid the pitfalls of burnout. When you're driven it can often be easier to keep going and pushing until breaking point, rather than finding a way to step back.

I've realised that in being an ambitious person, it's even more important that I find ways to actively rest with activities and pursuits I do just for fun.

Remember, you don't have to be good at your hobby in order to enjoy it! Not everything needs to be a competition.